I would like to say that I learnt a lesson this weekend, but that would suggest a resolution of some kind. What I really learnt this weekend is that when there isn’t a simple resolution, people would rather you accept the unacceptable than make life awkward for those around you.
I work for a small business with a total of five employees and on Friday it was the work’s Christmas outing. I am the only female working here, and I had to stay at work to man the phones whilst the men left at lunch (that’s another story) to go go-karting and bowling. After work I drove a misty 15 miles and joined them for a meal at a nice restaurant the other side of the nearest city.
When I arrived the boss wasn’t present as he’d had to pop home in between the bowling and the meal, so I greeted my colleagues at the bar. After some small talk about the afternoon’s activities it was clear that they’d already had a few drinks on the way to the restaurant. The usual hijinks ensued with the men playfully teasing each other on their clothes and bowling performances, but it quickly became apparent that one of my colleagues was considerably worse for wear than the others, I’ll refer to him as Steve.
I have worked at this company for a little over a year and have found Steve to be a thoughtful and friendly man. At times, he has made some questionable comments regarding race and light sexual remarks about customers he has visited. On the whole I put this down to working in a male environment and to be harmless banter to impress the others. I have objected to these comments before, and it bothers me that he is married as I’d hate to find out that my boyfriend said anything like this at work.
I walked back to the bar after having popped to the loo and was greeted by Steve, who put his arm around my shoulders and said “You’ve brought the standard up in here, none of the other birds look fit since you arrived”. I am 26 and Steve is 42, knowing he’d been drinking I replied with an awkward “Ah come on Steve, don’t do that”, making it clear that comments like that weren’t appreciated. My other two colleagues at the bar laughed awkwardly and Steve tracked back saying he just meant I looked nice to which I thanked him.
After a while of standing at the bar Steve found a table and sat down, I joined him thinking the others would follow but alas, they did not. Steve leant in and informed me that the barman that had served us had it in for us, and that he knew this because he used to be a barman himself. I know that Steve has a history of light drug abuse which has left him with some anxiety and wondered if the drink was bringing out his paranoia. I might add here that I do not drink and was entirely sober throughout the evening. I humoured Steve and took the conversation on to how he met his wife, to which he explained how they had met when she had a boyfriend and they’d gotten to know each other before giving a somewhat explicit description of the first time they had sex.
I was uncomfortable with the conversation, but at the same time also laughed when one of my colleagues at the bar caught my eye in understanding. Presumably he has been on a few Christmas parties over past couple of years and knows how Steve gets when he drinks. Thankfully the boss showed up during this conversation which gave me the opportunity to escape the topic as we were seated at our table.
The food was very nice but the conversation marred with Steve’s accusations that other people around the restaurant were staring at him (which was probably true, given the volume of his voice and the copious swearing). Throughout the meal and any time there was any hint at all of anything relating to women he would go to make lude comments but stop himself because the boss was sitting next to him. He did make a comment that the lace choker I was wearing was ‘naughty’ and that I was obviously in to S&M, but other than that managed to restrain himself. I’m not easily offended and brushed it off as drunken idiocy.
When the mains were finished and the conversation was winding down it was decided that we would go on to a casino and that as they had all been drinking and the boss was calling it a night, I would drive us there. I was happy with this, and there was mention of visiting a strip club near the casino to which I was open as I had designed a gentleman’s club as part of a degree assignment a couple of years previous and was curious to see inside one in person.
We said goodbye to the boss, who gave a farewell gift of a shot each (not for me) and we left the restaurant. All three men walked over the road and relieved themselves in a hedge, which was odd seeing as there were toilets in the restaurant, then we walked across a muddy path to my car. I was driving, the younger and tallest of the three was in the passenger seat with the other (slightly soberer) collegue behind him and Steve sat behind me. As I pulled away it became clear that the mist had turned to thick fog and I could barely see a few meters in front of the car. I headed back the way I had arrived, to the protest of the men who knew a shortcut, and joined the A road into the city.
From the moment I pulled away, the comments that Steve had been keeping in all night started tumbling from his mouth. “You could do with a good fingering” I heard muttered behind me. I was put on edge immediately. “Who could do with a fingering?” I replied, to which he murmured “er nothing”. I replied “No, you just said I could do with a good fingering”. I kept my tone light, not wanting to create an even more uncomfortable atmosphere in the car. All three men laughed, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” said Steve. “You want these in you?!” said the 23-year-old in the front seat whilst putting his fingers close to my face. “No thanks, I’m not in to that” I replied.
“I’ve got something that can go into you” Steve stated. Angered by this and fed up with the innuendos I retorted “You’re going to put your cock in my mouth are you Steve?”. This received a delighted response of “Waaay!” and laughter from my colleagues. Steve leaned forward in his seat and said “I like you, you’re dirty” into my ear. “Erm thanks?” I replied, disappointed that they hadn’t clocked the annoyance in my voice. He went to say more but uncomfortable with his proximity I interjected and told him to sit back in his seat, I can hear him from there.
A short discussion about the route I was taking began when Steve grabbed my seatbelt from behind my seat and used it to pull himself forward to talk in to my ear again. “Sit the fuck down Steve, don’t pull on my seatbelt” I ordered. He sat back. “Nice one” the 23-year-old laughed. “I like that, you’d make a good dominatrix” Steve said. I turned the music up.
From behind me came “would you suck my dick if I paid you?” from Steve. Repulsed, I replied “No I fucking wouldn’t”. The soberer of the three stated “You can’t say that Steve”. “What, I’m only joking! Fucking hell. I bet she’d give a good tit wank though!”. Laughter from the front seat, “I want one too!”. Steve pulled himself forward on my seatbelt again, I told him to sit the fuck down again. “Let’s just go to the strip club” it was suggested. It was 9.55pm and I had already said that wherever we went I was leaving at 10.30pm and whoever wanted a lift back could have one. I agreed and parked up outside.
It was a busy Friday night along the strip of restaurants and bars, with revellers smoking and drinking on the pavement outside. We squeezed out of the car in the tight parking space and started walking up the hill to the gym on top of which the strip club was located. A few steps up the hill I realised that my phone wasn’t in my bag and told the others to wait whilst I went to get it out of the car. It took me a couple of minutes to find it as it’s a new car and I couldn’t remember which cubby I’d put it in. I locked the car and crossed the road to find the soberer colleague waiting for me. “Did you find it?” he said. “Yeah, it was in the other side” I replied.
We joined the other two who I now saw were talking to some other people. Two of them walked off and the younger colleague joined us, leaving Steve leaning over a 20-something year old black girl sitting on her own. I walked up to him and grabbed his arm “come on we’re going”, before turning back to the girl and mouthing “sorry” to her. She smiled with a knowing look and it depressed me to know that most girls have experienced something similar.
I caught up with the group and we entered the lobby of the gym, looking for signs to the strip club. Steve sidled up to me from behind and put his hand on my lower back. I shrugged him off. “Don’t be like that, you’ve got to act cool to get in to the strip club” he said. We passed two ladies in short skirts and knee length boots, the 23-year-old yelled out “Ooh yeah I’d give it to you!”. We got to the end of the lobby and turned back, we must have missed it. Looking back I saw the sign pointing to a gentleman’s club of a different name to that Steve had told us. “It’s up here” I said, pointing to the lift that the two girls in short skirts were standing in front of.
Steve asked when the club opened and the girls replied that it opened at 10pm, it was 10.05pm and the girls turned out to be strippers. We piled in to the lift when the doors opened and went upstairs, after paying the £10.00 entrance fee we went in to an empty club and sat down. The 23-year-old went off to get drinks and we looked around, Steve regaled us with a story of how he had been allowed to spank a stripper when he’d had a private dance on a stag do before. The soberer one told us that he’d been to one in Austria but hadn’t had a private dance. Steve’s leg jiggled up and down in excitement as he asked where the strippers are, he wanted a private dance. The other returned with drinks for them all and I looked at my phone, 10.08pm, I could leave in 22 minutes.
The first stripper came through the door, not on to the stage but into the seating area wearing a red bikini top and thong that started halfway down her buttocks. Steve jumped up and walked briskly over to her. She led him down a hallway out of sight and the other two laughed, I shook my head. My stomach started churning, I’d seen what the inside of the strip club looked like and was ready to leave but I’d said I’d go at 10.30pm so would wait until then. The soberer colleague wasn’t so sober anymore and suggested that we both get a private dance together, I half-heartedly agreed knowing that I would be leaving before that happened. The two men discussed the attributes of the other strippers, and I checked my phone – 10.12pm, 3% battery.
The stripper in the red underwear appeared from the hallway, walked up to a tall black man and lead him back to a desk in the hallway to talk. We speculated whether Steve was going to be thrown out for touching, but the stripper disappeared back behind the curtains and the bouncer/owner stayed at the desk. We made small talk for another couple of minutes before seeing the stripper emerge again and walk over to us. “Stevie needs his coat, is this it?” she said in an eastern European accent, picking up his jacket from his seat. “Er, yeah” I said.
We decided that it more likely that he needed his credit card than that he was being thrown out. It was 10.20pm now, another stripper made eyes at the younger colleague and walked over to talk to him. He declined a private dance. The time on my phone hit 10.28pm and I announced that I was leaving. Both men got their coats together and we left the dance area, we saw Steve’s stripper in the reception area and one of them asked her if Steve was still in there. She replied that he’s having a great time and will be another 30 minutes at least. We left without him.
The 23-year-old waited outside for his fiancé to pick him up and I gave the other a lift home as we live in the same town. In the car he told me that Steve gets like that every year and that I dealt with it very well. He said he was pretty sure Steve had taken a pill or something when they went go-karting. I told him that what Steve had said to me was not okay, and he agreed.
I spent the weekend worrying about coming in to work today, and wondering if I’d done something wrong. Perhaps I should have been more forceful, maybe trying to keep it light had given Steve the impression that it was okay to continue. I spoke to my boyfriend who was furious, my friends who were outraged and my parents who were disgusted and asked them if I had done anything wrong and what I should do about it. I wanted something to be done, it’s not okay to speak to anyone like that, but I was also very conscious that if I said anything at work it would make it awkward for everyone working there. I didn’t want to be the uptight girl that can’t take a joke and makes a fuss, it would be awkward for me as well as them. But then deeper in my stomach I was angry and cannot believe that in this day and age I even need to worry about this happening and what people will think if I speak up about it.
My boyfriend wanted me to go to the boss and make sure that Steve receives punishment, but as I pointed out there is nothing he can really do. There is no HR department, this happened off the premises and out of hours. My parents didn’t see much point in making a fuss as this would make it awkward for me to work there, my Dad seemed to think I should have kicked Steve out of the car and definitely not gone into the strip club. I should probably point out here that the boss is my Mum’s brother, although it shouldn’t make any difference as he always does his best to treat me exactly as an employee and nothing else at work. My friends said that I should speak to Steve and see how he reacts before going to the boss. I was nervous and confused (still am actually) but resolved to speak to Steve first.
I came in this morning, went into the workroom that Steve and the younger employee share and gave him his mother-in-law’s glasses case. I’d recently bought the car from him and they had been left in there. I didn’t want to give him any impression as to how I was feeling, as I wanted to know if he remembered what he’d said and if he was sorry. He said thanks and made a face like he was tired/hungover still. I got scared and walked out of the room and up to my office. I heard the other two employees in the kitchen next door and knew that the boss wasn’t in yet so plucked up the courage to go back downstairs to speak to Steve.
“Hello.” I said, walking back in to the room and sitting in the vacant chair next to Steve. “You alright?” he replied, turning to look at me. I looked at him and said “What you said to me on Friday night was not okay.” Steve hung his head, “Oh no, what did I do? I knew I must have done something because I was feeling anxious all weekend and didn’t know why. My wife has barely spoken to me too”. I kept looking at him and said “The things you said to me were disgusting, you cannot speak to people like that. You told me…” Steve cut me off, “No don’t tell me, I don’t want to hear. Please just ignore anything I said, I was in such a state. Please just forget it”.
I asked “did you take something before I got there?”. He replied “no, I was just drunk”. I said “If that’s how you get when you’re drunk, then you need to stop drinking.” Steve said that he never usually gets like that. I started to tear up as I said “I spent the whole weekend feeling awful and worrying about coming in today”. Steve said “Oh no, I’m so sorry!”. Through more tears I said “It was my birthday yesterday and I spent it worrying about this”. He hung his head further and told me that he is mortified, and that he’ll do anything to make it up to me. He leant forward to hug me and I scooted the chair back with my hands in front, I did not want him to touch me. I went upstairs to my office and composed myself.
I had a visit from the younger colleague not long after asking if I was alright and if he’d done anything to upset me. I said no, it was Steve that had upset me. I said that he had said some things that I didn’t like but that it was mainly Steve. He apologised and I asked if he knew how Steve got home on Friday. He said that his wife picked him up from the strip club at 2am.
A few minutes later Steve came back upstairs to apologise again and ask if I was okay. I said I’m fine and he said he’s really mortified. I told him that I am glad he feels bad about it and that I hope it makes a difference. He said again that he’ll do anything he can to make it up to me.
When my boss came in he commented on what a state Steve gets in every Christmas, and I told him that he’d gotten a lot worse and said some horrible things to me when we left the restaurant. The boss laughed and said that Steve is a nightmare. I reiterated that the things he said were really vulgar and that i’d had a word with him this morning. He said “good for you”, and that some people shouldn’t drink. I left it at that.
I believe that he is sorry, but given that he doesn’t know what he said I think he’s sorrier that he’s in trouble. This has ruined any trust or respect I had for him, and am left wondering whether the things he said whilst drunk are actually things he thinks while sober. I do not feel comfortable in the same room as him now, and it’s going to take a long time to get used to working with him again.
I am upset by the things said to me and the way Steve acted when drunk, I am more upset that anyone should have to put up with that. I am annoyed at my colleagues for not doing more to stop it, and overall I am outraged that people who experience this have to worry about the feelings of others, whether people will think they are overreacting and wonder whether they themselves are to blame.
H x
FennecFold 